...At least in English. The series this was originally a part of was called "Grimm's Fairy Tale Classics", which is why, rather nonsensically, we have "Grimm's Fairy Tales: Beauty and the Beast" on the cover, when Beauty and the Beast, of course, was not by the Brothers Grimm. This originally aired in '88 over in Japan, and two years later, we got the English adaptation put out by Saban. Speaking of, this tape has that old "Balloon Saban" bumper on it, which was a real nostalgic boot to the head.
This is another cartoon where information is rather spotty, as it has no IMDb entry, and there is no English voice cast list. We do have it noted, though, that the music for the English version was provided by Haim Saban and Shuki Levy. Levy with Saban were responsible for a LOT of music in animated shows in the '80s and '90s, like: Inspector Gadget, The REAL Ghostbusters, The Super Mario Bros. Super Show, and the Ocean dub of Dragon Ball Z, to name just a handful.
Now, luckily for us, this thing wasn't just "Halfway Animated", it's "FULLY Animated"! With Color! For a whole 27 minutes! It's rather sad that the rather short time they list is a flat-out lie. This thing only REALLY runs for about 23 minutes. Maybe there IS four extra minutes if you just sit there watching the BLACK area on the tape, and the mind-blowing little extras on here like the "adjust your tracking" message. Skip to this point for the actual review! Fuck! I can't believe I talked about some of the BACKGROUND surrounding this thing! "Video Treasures"? Pfft! Yeah, more like "Video....." "...Disgusting!" I've given up, haven't I? And these Video Treasures that no one liked would eventually grow up to be Anchor Bay...
Funny enough. So, once again, we get a song for one of these things that just kinda tells us the entire plot. Spoilery Singers: In spite of how he looked, the lady chose to staaaaay! Phelous: Fuck! SPOILERS!!! Really though, this entire intro is kinda spoiling us on this whole thing, seeing as it's just scenes from later in the movie... Episode, whatever you wanna call it.
And that Beast does not AT ALL look like a cat! Glad THAT disappointment is outta the way. Spoilery Singers: Forever happy, Beauty and the Beeeeeeeeast! Phelous (deadpan): Don't lay TOO much tension on us. Narrator: Once upon a time, there lived a man who had three daughters. [...And that's it, apparently] Phelous: Well, thank you for that, I really feel up to speed now.
And I really like how often Beauty's father just gets the shaft when it comes to a name. Blonde daughter: Buy me a beautiful dress! Something with lots of ruffles around it! Redheaded daughter: And buy me shoes! Be sure to get the latest style! Old Man: They don't deserve it! Get them NOTHING!! Phelous (as Nameless Dad): On second thought, maybe my gift will be the back of my hand! Old Man: TOO FAR, bro! Nameless Dad: Maria, anything for you? Shadow from Sonic Adventure 2: [death grunt] Maria..... Phelous: WOW! MARIA?? You mean she gets a REAL NAME here instead of just "Beauty"?... Or "Beauty" in another language? Amazing! But even though she's got a name, Maria isn't very original, and just asks Old Beard to get her a red rose.
Which MIGHT seem like a humble request, but really, she's just trolling the shit out of her dad by asking for this out of season. Old Beard: I would like a red rose. Florist: Come back when it warms up! Narrator: He was disappointed not to have a gift for Maria, for he feared this might be his last trip into town. Phelous: Why? Because he's lazy! He can't be THAT close to death.
...Unless they aren't telling us something. (As Maria): I've slowly been poisoning you every day, father! (As Old Beard): OHO! She got me! Another one of Maria's classic pranks! Old Beard: This is very strange. It's snowing on one side of the mansion, and on the other, there's green grass and beautiful gardens. Phelous (deadpan again): Truly, this is wondrous-- [snoring] Old Beard: Huh? My goodness, what beautiful roses! Old Man: Ooohh, this is your chance to get Maria back! Get her a PINK rose instead of the RED one that she requested! Phelous (as Asshole Beard): Oh...
Yes. And then I'll SHOVE the rose so far up her ASS, it comes out her mouth, and then burn the house down!! Old Man: Eh..... Maybe I should just stop talking to you... Old Beard: I'm sure no one will mind if I pick one from the clutter.
Beast: I DO mind!!! Phelous: What an unexpected turn of events! Beast: Every rose is valuable to me, and if you refuse to give it back, I will take your life! Phelous: Some Beasts are just a little OVERLY attached to their gardens, aren't they? What does this guy worry about? Half of his stupid flowers are dead anyway thanks to his little snow-show, and once again, this isn't a version that gives any extra meaning to the flowers, other than Beasty-Boy's just a flower-wiener. Old Beard: Isn't there some way we can work this out? Beast: Well, yes. Your daughter, who has such a great desire for my red rose, must consent to be my wife! Phelous (as Old Beard): OOOOHHHH!! ANIMEEEEEE!!!! Anyway, I'll just, uh, go ahead and give you the flower back then. This really isn't worth the hassle.
Maria can get over not having a flower that will wilt in a couple of days. Phelous: Well, that's what he would say if he had SENSE. Here's Beard-ria's ACTUAL response: Beard-ria: Alright! I agree, you can have her hand in marriage! Phelous: Mmmmm..... Get the feeling he just kinda wants her out? Beast: You have eight days to return with your daughter! Phelous (as Beard-ria): This flower won't even LAST those eight days! HEH! I'm finally going to have the last laugh on Maria! I love having no loyalty! Beast: Grrrrr.....
[Awkward silence] Beard-ria: [delayed scream] Phelous (as Beard-ria): Awkward silence?! That's the scariest thing he's done YEEET!!! Narrator: He had no intention of ever going back. Phelous: OOOOHH! What a SWERVE! That actually makes some sense; I mean, it's not like the Beast has his address or anything. Beard-ria: Your turn, Maria. Maria: [gasps] Beard-ria: Go ahead, open it.
Maria: I can't believe it! Phelous (as Beard-hole): That's sure gonna make you... WEEET! UUUUH? Old Man: I'm... Not saying it! I refuse to have any part of this! You're the WORST Beauty's Father EVER! Phelous (as the worst Beauty's Father ever): MARIA!!! Old Man: WHO CARES?!?! [Old Man leaves and closes the door] Redheaded daughter: I've never heard of roses in the winter. It seems to me almost like-- Maria: It's magic! [Giggling]
Redheaded daughter: Yes! Phelous: Wow, thanks for the contribution, Maria's sisters.
You sure are barely characters. But thank you for reaffirming that Maria was just fucking with her father when she asked for that. Narrator: It gave off a radiant light. And in this light, Maria grew more beautiful, too.
Phelous: The flower made her pretty??? Maria: [giggles] [knocking at the door] Daughters: Huh?
Beard-ria: Now who--? Blonde daughter: It's very rude of someone to knock at our door at dinnertime. Phelous (as daughter): We have our eating hours posted very clearly by the door! Beard-ria: Let's not answer it. Maria: Yes, I'm coming! Beard-ria: NO, MARIA! Phelous: I guess the Beast has FLOWER-HOMING powers in this version? And since we have to speed the story up a little for this 20 minute runtime, things escalate rather quickly, and Beard-Dad just beats him with a chair, until he gets choked out! But any man, or thing, that could play such a hilarious prank on her dad like this is marriage material, so Maria says she's all his. Oh, well! At least you'll have that flower to remember her by.
[Daughters gasp] GoodTimes' Beauty: [dull gasp] Phelous: Was it REALLY worth all this? Yeah, sure, why not? Narrator: The Beast whisked Maria off to his mansion. There, she waited in dread of the wedding day that would come to pass. The Beast had picked a beautiful bouquet of roses for Maria. Phelous (as Maria): Nyaaah, now that I know you just have this out-of-season garden, I don't really care about roses anymore.
Maria: I hate them! Phelous (as Beast): What did I do to deserve this treatment? Besides coming over to kill her father because he didn't bring her over to my place to be my sex slave. I'm..... ...Kind of an ass. Narrator: Maria's heart was so full of sadness, that it filled the room, turning the roses to ashes.
Phelous: Well, that's some Carrie shit right there! Ya done fucked up, Beast! Also, I don't really feel like these punishments are very even here. Beard-Bitch picked ONE, and gets CAPITAL PUNISHMENT or enslavement of a family member! Maria mind-kills an entire bouquet, and gets DINNER?!?!? Guess we know this Beast would like Female Ghostbusters! Because ALL that movie is is GENDER POLITICS! Apparently! Beast: Why don't you eat something?
Maria: No... Beast: Well, could you please serve me some dinner? Maria: [crying] No-o-o! Phelous: What in the SHIT, Beast? You can put this ENTIRE feast out on the table, but putting it onto your plate is the emotionally distressed woman's job? (Monotone): What a beeeeeast. Maria: [continues sobbing] Phelous (as Beast): Sooooo, uh.....
No, then? Narrator: The poor Beast was sad. And hungry, too. As his food had turned to ashes because of all of her tears. Phelous: Get the hell OUTTA there!!! RUN, you FOOL!!!!! Narrator: He was startled by his own hideous reflection.
Phelous (as Beast): I always had this different self-image of myself in my head. More "catty" than "stupid blue goblin fuck"! They're NEVER gonna like me on the Internet NOW! Narrator: She realized that the Beast couldn't help the way he looked. Phelous: That's not ENTIRELY true. I mean, he could try NOT dressing in a burlap sack.
Narrator: This realization made her fear of him vanish. And in its place, she felt compassion. Phelous (as narrator): Which was the worst emotion Maria could ever experience, and made the Beast turn to dust. \_()_/ (Normal): Now, it's time for the Beast's NEW PLAN!! Bringing her ROSES!!! Beast: Maria...
Maria: What?! Beast: Come with me.
Maria: Where are you taking me?? Let me gooo! Phelous: Well, I'm sure the THIRD time will be the charm! Either that, or she'll set the house on fire!! Beast: Ready?.....
Now! [Sparkling] [instruments playing] Huh? Hur AH! Heh ha HA ha! Phelous: It's nice to finally see the Beast in high spirits. As in "he's wasted". Maria: Ohh, pretty! Beast: Ah, thank you! Ha ha ha ha! Phelous: I'd be pretty happy too, if I had a sweet reverse-colored key piano like that! No I wouldn't! I don't want THAT!! Narrator: Maria felt so much happiness, that she forgot all about the Beast's repulsive looks. Phelous: That's right.
If you aren't the best-looking, all you have to do is conduct a magic orchestra to get someone to like you. They'll even forgive attempted parent murder! Narrator: He quietly left Maria to enjoy the music and went off to attend to his chores. Phelous (as Beast): [loud grunting] [window opens] Maria: Awww! They like you! Beast: Say hello to Maria! Ha ha ha! Phelous (as Maria): [screaming]
[bloody splats] (normal): Why are you stupid animals on the winter side of the house? Some movie clip: Whoa! OH NOOOOOO!!! Narrator: It was in that moment of laughter that Maria and the Beast became good friends. Phelous: Also, this apparently just ENDED the winter side of the house.
Maria: But it must be very difficult to eat with that hood covering your face all the time. Phelous (as Maria): Did you ever think of NOT dressing like an oversized Jawa? (As Beast): Aw, MAAAN! [Silly wah-wah music] Narrator: He had not eaten in days, for Maria's tears had ruined each meal. Phelous: That's weird. Her tears are the secret ingredient in mine! Narrator: She wanted him to be happy just as he was.
For his spirit was more important than his appearance. Phelous: Which is why Maria immediately made him a shirt to improve his stupid appearance. Beast: [sneezes] Maria: Uh-oh! Oh dear! Phelous (as Maria): Now you're gonna have to kill yourself! Maria: [laughing] Narrator: They made a strange-looking couple. Phelous: Especially because Maria looks like she's only fourteen! Which probably ACTUALLY means she's only, like, eight, given how anime characters usually look older than they're supposed to be! Narrator: Later that evening, Maria had a disturbing dream.
[Beard-Dad screaming] Phelous (as narrator): That wasn't it. (As Seor Moustache): Maria, Maria, Maria! I'm your real father! (As Maria): No! NO!!! Not Seor Moustache! He's not nearly as popular as Old Man!! Maria: I'm terribly worried about my father. I was wondering if there was some way I could go see him. Phelous (as Beast): Yeah, a magic mirror.
(As Maria): Can't we just go over to their place? I mean, you've already done that yourself in this one. (As Beast): No, because..... I don't knooow. Beard-Dad: Ugh...
Maria..... Shadow: [same death grunt from earlier] Maria..... Maria: [gasp] Oh, please, I have to go home right away! Narrator: The Beast wanted to let Maria go see her father, but he knew he could lose her. Phelous (as narrator): After all, there are plenty of Jawas in the Dune Sea of Tatooine.
Narrator: And now the time had come for him to say goodbye. Phelous: Jeez! No point in trying to fight for your life with the narrator, Sir Assing of Hole, around! Redheaded daughter: Father, Maria's here! Phelous (as Beard-Dad): Oh! With Maria here, I think I'll pull through! (As Maria): Really? (As Beard-Bitch): No. I win the final prank! [Gack!] Blonde daughter (with no real emotion): I think he's gone. Phelous (as bland blonde daughter): I just wasn't really that attached.
Maria: Father! Wake up! [Wah-WAH-wah! WAHH... Wah!] Phelous: Aaa-mazing! It's like Dingo made this themselves. Narrator: Maria decorated his grave with the lovely red roses she had brought. Phelous (as narrator): The very things that, in the end, had cost him having his daughter with him in his final days.
Maria knew that even though her father was no longer here, that somewhere, he knew that she had gotten the final laugh. Maria: [dissonant laughter] Redheaded daughter: They've been here nine days. [Nuns from Dingo's Hunchback movie screaming] Phelous: Maria ended up having too much fun with her father's grave, though, and lost track of time, and of course, the old Beast Loneliness Meter had been draining! Maria: [sobbing] You have to get up! Oh, please be alright! Can you hear me? Get u-u-up! [Sobbing] [cheery credits music] Phelous: OOOOOLD! Maria: If only I knew a magic spell! Phelous (as Maria): Oh yeah! I DO know ONE! [Sparkling] [wah-WAH-wah! WAHH... Wah!] Narrator: But she did have a power: the power of love.
Phelous (doing a Huey Lewis impersonation): That's the power of looooove!! Maria: What is it? [Ex-Beast makes an Ewok noise that's hard to transcribe] Ex-Beast: You've come back! Phelous (as Ex-Beast): Now our relationship isn't bestiality, but just good old, plain pedophilia! Maria: I don't under--
Ex-Beast: A spell had turned me into a beast. Phelous: Just a ROGUE SPELL, I guess. Just seems to HAPPEN around here, so don't look for any MEANING behind it. Narrator: And life returned everywhere.
Even live musicians began to play. Phelous: Well, that's fucking creepy! Are those just like soulless husks that were created to play their romantic drivel? Or were they sucked away from their lives for this?? Narrator: Hundreds of red roses bloomed anew, as the air was filled with happiness. Phelous (as Maria): Everything's great! But I sure wish my father was here to see this. JUST KIDDING!!! Ex-Beast: Now, little friends, you'll be witnesses.
Phelous: BIRD witnesses?!?! Pfft! That'll never hold up! Judge from Dingo's Hunchback: How wrong you are! This goat has verified everything! Their marriage is legally binding! Phelous: STUPID MIDDLE AGES!! AND THEY DIIIIIED..... Or were married, same difference. I do like how this version just kinda glances over a lot of plot points, because it doesn't really have time for a lot. Even still, though, they could've made better use of their shorter runtime in spots.
Dead dad? OH WELL!!!!! :D. Also, fuck my sisters, they can't witness shit like a BIRD!! I imagine this marriage went well for a good three days, until Maria got upset over Wiener Boy not being able to choke out family members like he could as a Beast, and then turned the whole place into dust. But in the end, I think we can all see the Beauty... In the Dust.
[Dust whooshes] [coughing] End it! End it! [Dramatic orchestral music in the style of Spectre] [soft piano] I don't like this movie He doesn't seem too friendly These monsters seem so fake My nerves, they're gonna bre-eak Phelous, don't let me down You need to be a-round Grab that running 1-up and blast that scene a new one [song ends] Old Man: Hey! Beard Father! I win! HEEEEEE-- [coughing].
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